The Four Pillars of Excess
In Kim John Payne's book, Simplicity Parenting, he discusses four pillars of excess:
1. Too much stuff
2. Too much information
3. Too many choices
4. Too much speed
As we move into the crazy holiday season, it is important to recognize these both in our lives and in the lives of our teens.
Payne did a study with children who have ADHD. He helped them simplify their lives and within four months, 68% went from being clinically dysfunctional to clinically functional. They also displayed a 37% increase in academic and cognitive aptitude. He also found that normal personality quirks can turn into disorders when combined with the stress of "too much."
Teens are uniquely vulnerable to stress. THP, which is released by the body in response to stress, modulates anxiety in adults and creates a calming sensation as it quiets the neural system…usually within 30 minutes. However, studies have found that it is either ineffective or even has a reverse effect on teens. Basically, stress breeds more stress in the teenage brain.
Plus, teen brains struggle to bounce back once they are flooded with cortisol AND teenagers haven’t learned as many coping strategies as adults have AND the logical side of their brain isn’t as developed. As parents, we need to help our teens manage their stress levels and one of the ways to do that is to help them simplify their lives.
Here are a few things we can do as parents to help our teens simplify:
Help them sort through their rooms and their belongings periodically. Encourage them to get rid of things that don't need or have space for anymore. Help them choose places for new things. We experience a lot of stress when we can't find the things we need.
Establish routines and rituals whenever possible.
Schedule in breaks so there are times when your teen is doing nothing. Resist the urge to remind your teen of their homework, chores, or other things they could be doing when they are taking a short break. Obviously if they have been watching TV for two hours, it's ok. :)
Put limits on screen time. Too much information can also overload our brains and cause stress and anxiety. Schedule some time when they are away from their phones.
Help your teen say "no" to things. This is a hard thing to learn, but setting boundaries with our time is vital for good mental health.
While it's important to give your teen choices, try to limit the number of options when you can. Too many choices can be overwhelming.
Try to avoid "rushing" everywhere you go. This isn't always possible when a teen won't get ready on time, but if you can build in a few minutes during transitions, it will help lower everyone's stress levels.
Let them know the plan in advance. Ask for their opinion and allow them to back out of things you have planned if they just need some time at home.
I know these aren't all possible all the time, but if your teen is feeling stressed and overwhelmed, sit down with them and make a plan for simplifying the four pillars. Everyone in the family will be happier and healthier if you do!