What is a Thought Box?
Have you ever gotten stuck in a thought box?
A thought box is a container for a variety of other thoughts. It can be an old belief, a cognitive distortion, or even something like a diagnosis. It acts as a “theme” of sorts and once in place, our minds come up with thought after thought to support it. They can be tricky to get out of! These box labels can be negative, neutral, or even occasionally positive.
Some examples of thought boxes (a few have links to click that will expand on it):
“I am a bad/good mom/student/person”
“I can’t do this”
“It’s not my fault”
“This is impossible”
“I have ADHD/Autism/Depression”
“I am overly sensitive”
“I have to quit”
“I am shy”
Thought spirals/tornados often exist within these boxes, and our thoughts will spiral around and around, hitting the walls but not escaping. If the main thought/belief is really deep, it’s even harder to get out of it.
My teen daughter got stuck in one of these the other day. She was pressured into playing Tinker Bell for a high school fundraiser. She really, really didn’t want to and decided she should quit a week before. Her main thought was something along the lines of “I can’t do this and I have to quit.” Some of the supporting thoughts were:
“It’s going to be horrible”
“I am going to have panic attacks”
“I will be miserable in the costume”
“I had a falling out with another person and I can’t pretend to like them”
“I will have to change my schedule”
“I will miss xyz”
“I don’t have time”
No matter what my husband and I said, she was stuck in the box. She just kept coming up with more and more reasons to quit and convinced herself she would “die” if she had to to it. It was all very dramatic.
How do we get out?
While examining each thought is helpful, it’s even more helpful if we can identify the larger belief. Attacking the big one will often make the smaller ones go away on their own. You can do this by writing down the some of the smaller ones and then looking for a theme. Where are these smaller thoughts coming from and what are they trying to tell you?
Then, see if you can come up with a new main thought that is more true and start finding supporting thoughts for it. In this video on ANTS I share the following questions you can ask yourself (from Dr. Daniel Amen):
Is it true?
Is it 100% true?
How do I feel when I believe this thought?
How would I feel if I didn’t believe this thought?
What is the opposite of this thought and is it more true? What new thoughts would “fill in” the box if this was on the label?
While this won’t get rid of the thought box in one shot, recognizing it and then practicing replacing it can make it smaller and smaller over time.
How can we help our teens get out of them?
I didn’t come up with the idea of a thought box until after she took action (and she was out of town and we were texting), but here are a few things I am going to try next time:
See if you can help them change their physical state in some way. Get a snack or a drink, go on a walk, change rooms, etc. This can help disrupt the thoughts.
Point out that they might be stuck in a thought box. Ask the question, “If you could label this box with one main thought/idea, what would it be?”
Ask what the supporting thoughts are. What thoughts are providing “evidence” for the label on the box? How do they feel as they are thinking those thoughts?
Ask if they can come up with a label for a different box, one that is different from the one they are stuck in. You can use the questions up top if you want (ie look at the opposite).
See if they can come up with some supporting ideas for the new box. How do these new ideas feel as you discuss them? You could even draw two boxes on a piece of paper and write down the ideas in both. Sometimes seeing it written out really helps.
Discuss the differences between the two boxes. How do they feel when they are “in” each box? Which box holds the most truths?
Help them decide what course of action they want to take.
Remember, thoughts are not facts! The more we examine them, the easier it is to get rid of false ones and replace them with ones that are true.