Shrinking and Expanding
Recognizing and applying the concept of shrinking and expanding in our lives can help us as both parents and as people.
Sometimes, during our daily routine, we get caught up in tiny details and don’t look at the big picture. We need to expand, examine new viewpoints, establish some new routines/habits, and look outside ourselves. Other times we get caught up in the big picture and forget which things we can control and which ones we can’t. Or, we take on too much and get overwhelmed. We need to shrink, pull back, and simplify. Let’s look at each one a little more closely!
When is it time to shrink?
It might be time to shrink when:
You are focusing on too many things.
You feel like you are constantly failing.
You are overwhelmed.
You are too focused on things outside your control (big things).
You don't know what your values are or what's important to YOU.
You have lost your sense of self.
You spend too much time worrying about other people, the world, the country, etc.
You feel like you don't have enough time.
You feel like you are being acted upon instead of knowing you are taking deliberate action.
Some questions you can ask yourself to move into a shrinking mindset could be:
What is needful right now?
Are there any things I can let go of?
Is _____ in my sphere of control/influence?
Can I do something important in an easier way?
Who can I delegate ____ to?
Do I feel guilty for not doing things others say I "should" be doing...but that aren't important to me?
Am I too invested in what others are doing/saying?
Am I prioritizing self-care, meditating, journal writing, etc.?
Are my actions aligning with my values?
Now let’s look at expanding!
How do you know when you need to expand?
It might be time to expand when:
You are hyper-fixated on one thing, like your teen's grades.
You are spending too much time worrying about or trying to predict the future, particularly in one area.
You feel stuck in a rut.
You feel like there aren't any answers to a problem.
You are caught in black-and-white thinking.
Your routines are dull and they are not helping you reach goals.
You feel helpless.
You can't see the big picture.
As parents of teens, it's SO EASY to get myopic vision. It's so tempting to fixate on one area and think it's going to affect their entire future. Worrying can feel like action, like we are doing something, but it's not helping.
Some questions that might help you move into an expansion mindset are:
How important will this be next year? In ten years?
Are there any cognitive distortions getting in my way?
Am I trying to control something that is not mine to control?
Are my creative juices flowing?
Is _______ working for me?
Is there something I haven't tried yet?
Is there a different way to look at this?
What is my "why?"
Is there something else I can focus on for awhile?
Am I too caught up in my teen's life?
Do I need to look at others around me to see if there is anything I can do to help someone else (service is a great way to get out of myopic vision)?
Would talking to my spouse/mom/friend (or a coach *hint hint* ) help me get unstuck and see things more clearly?
Expanding our viewpoint and looking at the bigger picture can really help parenting feel less all-consuming and stressful. Most problems are not as big as they seem.
One of my favorite thoughts comes from my mom:
"EVERYTHING IS ALWAYS MOVING TOWARD RESOLUTION."
When you feel like you are stuck, confused, or overwhelmed, sit down with a piece of paper and these lists. Are there any areas you need to expand? Are there any areas you need to shrink? Change your perspective and see if it brings you new insights!