The Chrysalis Stage
When it's time for a caterpillar to become a butterfly, it enters the chrysalis stage.
It hides itself inside a little silk chrysalis as it undergoes metamorphosis. It is not a cute caterpillar or a beautiful butterfly. At times it is just a mess of fluids as it changes into an adult.
The teen years are like this stage. Teenagers pull away, often hiding their true selves, as they search for and create their own identity. They hide in their rooms, hide information from their parents, hide in strange clothes or under makeup, hide things they are unsure or ashamed of, hide inside groups of friends. They are often awkward and embarrassed, which can then hide underneath anger and stubbornness.
There is a lot of "hiding" going on!
This is a painful stage for both our teens and for us as parents. We just want to know what's going on inside that chrysalis! We all desperately hope they will survive this stage and emerge as a beautiful, healthy butterfly. It can feel like a really long wait.
While you are waiting, here are a few things you can do:
Be patient. The right things are happening and it will all work out.
Don't take things personally. It's so hard to do, but your teen is going through major changes. They won't always be "nice" as they do this.
Seek support from friends and family. Choose someone you can be totally honest with about what is going on so you don't feel alone. You can honor your teen's privacy while still getting the support you need.
Set boundaries. You don't have to accept abuse from your teen. Decide what you will allow and set consequences when your teen crosses the line.
Be curious. When your teen snaps, give them some space then send a text and ask if there is something that would have worked better.
Take a break. Find a new hobby and do some things you love. Don't allow your identity to be wrapped up in your teen's rapidly changing one.
Define your role. What are you going to do for your teen? How will you be involved? What is in your control and what isn't?
While this is a challenging stage, you are not alone! Feel free to reach out to me at any time if you need some extra support. We are all in this together.