Is Your Teen Disrespectful?
This is a common complaint among parents of teenagers. Teens are becoming more independent and this can lead them to push against parental authority. They don't do this perfectly and they often cross the line into being disrespectful.
Here are ten tips for you:
Decide what behaviors are really "disrespectful." Sometimes we use this term when we are annoyed our teen isn't thinking/feeling/acting the way we want them to. Are your expectations reasonable? Do they fit your teen's stage of development?
Think about the emotions underneath the behavior. Does your teen need attention? Are they feeling powerless? Do they want you to be as miserable as they are? Helping your teen address those will often lessen the frequency of the behavior.
Consider which behaviors need to have consequences and which don't. Choose your battles wisely. Make sure your teen knows what the consequences are. You might even consider making a list together of respectful and disrespectful behaviors and what will happen if they choose a disrespectful one.
Choose another label. When you label your teen's behavior as "disrespectful" it will bring up a lot of frustration and negative emotion in you as a parent, particularly if your parents used it a lot. Is there another word that better describes what is happening? Also avoid labels like "you are selfish" and vague statements like "you 'should' respect me because I am the parent."
Set clear (and fair) rules and boundaries. Teens expect there to be rules, despite what they might say to you. When you are unclear or inconsistent, teens actually lose respect for you as a parental authority. It is important to include your teen in those rules, though, and for you to make sure they make sense.
Follow through on consequences. When you threaten and don't follow through your teen will get confused about the rules and boundaries you have set.
Avoid arguments that are unnecessary. Some disagreement is healthy and it will teach your teen how to handle conflict, but long fights often lead to both people feeling disrespected.
Model healthy respectful behaviors. Do you respect your teen? Do you listen to them? Are you allowing them appropriate privacy? Do you share their personal information with others? Do you show up when you say you will?
Handle your own emotions. This is NOT personal. Being a teenager is tough. Try to avoid story telling and filling in the gaps when you don't have all the information. Also, remember that teens love to push buttons so don't give them the satisfaction.
Give them space to feel their emotions. Give grace when appropriate, while still holding the line of which behaviors are appropriate and which ones aren't. It takes time to learn how to handle emotions, how to navigate relationships, how to apologize, and when our actions impact others.
Hang in there. Every interaction your teen has with someone else slowly teaches them how to become a healthy, happy, successful adult!