"Why is My Teen So Angry?"
Anger is an uncomfortable emotion to feel, and being close to someone else experiencing it can feel scary and threatening.
“In Courage to Feel, Andrew Seubert says anger is "a response to a perception, thought, or belief that I may have been violated."
THIS CAN COME FROM A RIGHT BEING VIOLATED OR FROM YOUR PERSONAL BOUNDARIES BEING CROSSED.
This gets REALLY tricky because most of us aren't very good at setting and maintaining boundaries so we might not even recognize when they have been crossed. We just feel angry about it!!
Teens are trying to separate from their parents and figure out their identities, which includes setting a lot of boundaries. They do this clumsily and imperfectly and it can be very painful for parents. They might say something rude, lie, sneak something, or roll their eyes. Many times they don’t do it “intentionally” and it’s something that just pops out as they are trying to differentiate.
If they get angry, it might be helpful to stop and see if you have crossed a spoken OR unspoken boundary. Ask some questions (after the anger has passed...I am going to do a post on that later in the week) and help your teen recognize if that's the case. You can then help them figure out how to process that anger, make a plan for how to handle it next time if they reacted inappropriately, and determine whether or not that boundary is appropriate (refusing to ever do anything of worth is not an appropriate boundary lol).
If you are angry, ask yourself the same question. Has your teen crossed your boundaries? Were the boundaries clear and upfront? What are the consequences if they were? If they weren't, make them clearer then set consequences. Don't expect your teen to read your mind, because frankly, they can't even read their own most days. :)
Think back to the last time you were angry. Was it because someone crossed a boundary? Could this be why your teen experiences anger? Looking at anger this way can help us judge less, take things less personally, and communicate better.