Action Vs Attitude

As parents of teens, it is important that we notice the difference between our teen’s actions and their attitudes. We need to learn to treat each one differently!

With actions, we can set clear boundaries. Teens respect them, even it doesn’t seem like it. They want to know which actions are appropriate and which ones aren’t. They will push the boundaries, of course, but they expect us to keep them firm. It’s great to have your teen help you come up with the rules and consequences, but it’s up to you to follow through. Don’t allow your teen’s response to the boundary setting determine your actions.

Attitude is a bit different. It is determined by the emotions your teen is experiencing. Expecting our teens to always be happy is unfair and unrealistic. In fact, it’s unhealthy. If they do what you ask but they are a bit surly or unhappy about it, allow it! There is no need to set a consequence unless they are downright rude and hurtful (again examine the actions). Every parent can determine where that line is in their family, but make sure you make it clear to your teen. If you choose to set a “consequence” for being in a bad mood, let your teen help you come up with what that is and why. For example, they might go to their room for some peace and quiet. Make sure they know they are not being “banished” because they are experiencing normal, healthy emotions. The quicker your teen can express those emotions, the quicker they will release.

A lot of times the reason we want our teen to react a certain way is because it makes US feel better, and that is not our teen’s responsibility. We get to choose our own thoughts, reactions, the stories we tell, the assumptions we make, and what emotions we are going to choose to act on. Our teen can be in a bad mood and we can still be in a good mood. It takes practice, but it’s doable! In fact, it’s a great thing to model for our teenagers.

Do you distinguish between actions and attitude? Have you made it clear to your teen what the difference is?