Toxic Positivity

What is toxic positivity?

Tanglaw Mental Health defines it as, “ the excessive and ineffective overgeneralization of a happy and optimistic state in any situation — in the the denial, minimization, and invalidation of genuine human emotion.” It happens when we hide what we feel or dismiss our emotions, shame or “punish” others for feeling negative emotions, minimize other people’s experiences, or feel guilty over feeling our own negative emotions.

I do this a LOT. I am a habitual “cheerer upper.” I like other people to be happy! We all do. It’s a lot more comfortable for us when other people are in good moods, plus we know that other people are happier when they are happier. :) Since we love them, we want to cheer them up when they are feeling sad, angry, worried, or frustrated.

The problem is, it doesn’t work! And not only does it not work, it can be damaging. All of us need to feel safe to feel and express ALL of our emotions. When we can name and express them, we can pass through them and move back to neutral/positive. Stuffing them down and denying them is unhealthy and can cause longterm problems.

Here are a few healthy things to say when our teens are experiencing negative emotion:

“How can I help?”

“What can I do to support you?”

“It’s okay to feel ____.”

“What are you feeling right now?” Naming an emotion helps bring it back down to size.

You can also just give them a hug, a pat on the back, or just sit next to them. Avoid the desire to make things better and allow them the space they need to process their emotions. Don’t tell them they “should” feel a certain way or get upset when they react differently today than they did last week. Teens experience a LOT of emotions that change constantly. It’s confusing to them, too! Ride the waves with them and try to keep your cool so they will feel safe and loved no matter what.

What are you going to say/do the next time your teen is experiencing negative emotion?