14 Reasons Teens Lie
Teens lie.
It's easy to take this personally and we often start telling all kinds of stories about why our teen is lying. We usually think it's because they don't want to get in trouble (and it might be), but there are a LOT of other reasons teenagers lie.
Here are 14:
They don't want to get in trouble. This is an obvious one but if we always assume this is why, we are missing an opportunity to connect with and teach our teens.
They need autonomy. As they mature and push away, they might use lies to separate from us.
They want privacy. This is a big one. As much as we want our teens to tell us everything, they won't. This becomes a big issue with screens, phones, and social media. How much "should" parents know about what their teens are saying and doing? Teens often revel in the fact that they are creating their own lives and that their parents aren't a part of every little thing. They might lie to create this privacy.
They aren't ready to talk. Your teen might tell a smaller lie because they aren't ready to share something with you. Their communication center is under construction and it might take them awhile to figure out how to confess something to you.
They need space. This goes along with #4. Emotions are complicated, abstract thinking is hard, and being a teenager is rough.
They don't really know the answer. Sometimes something might seem obvious to us and we think our teen is lying, but they might not see it the same way we do.
They just want us to get off their backs. A small lie might feel easier and simpler in the moment.
They are protecting a tribe member. This is a big one. Teens are usually very loyal to their friends. They will often lie or bend the truth when they are protecting someone. This can make social media issues even trickier to navigate.
They want to save face. This is a big one for my teenage son. Guilt and shame are hard feelings to feel. Men in particular might lie to cover up those feelings and to look "macho," strong, or smart. I have to be very careful how and when I talk to him about things.
They don't want to hurt someone's feelings. Teens are still learning how to manage their own emotions and how much responsibility they have for other people's feelings, including yours.
They don't want to disappoint you. I know I hid some things from my parents because I loved them and I did not want them to be disappointed in me. That was worse than any punishment they gave out.
They don't know how to handle conflict. There are a lot of skills involved in working things out with people, and those skills take time to learn. We need to remind our teens constantly that it's ok to disagree and that relationships can handle some contention.
They are afraid. They might be afraid of what will happen if the truth gets out. They might be afraid of the punishment. They might be afraid you will think less of them. Fear is often at the root of a lie.
They love the risk. Teens like those extra strong dopamine hits they get when they get away with something. Lying and getting away with it can be so rewarding! They crave adventure, and parents crave safety. That can definitely cause a lot of conflict.
Lies are important pieces of information. When we don't take a lie personally (or immediately make assumptions) we can look at what types of things our teens lie about, where they might have developed the habit of lying, what types of consequences they fear the most (and look at whether or not our consequences are fair), what their priorities are, where they lack discipline, and more! We can then use that information to teach and connect with our teens.
The next time your teen lies, take a few minutes to think about all of this. Why is your teen lying and how can you use that lie to create growth and connection? Feel free to reach out to me at rachelle@theinspiredteen.com if you have any questions or concerns!