Learning to Be Trustworthy
Trust is tricky because it lies within the power of the person extending it, not just the person receiving it.
We can always choose whether or not to extend trust to someone. It might be foolish to do so because of actions they have taken in the past, but we can still choose to do it. Someone’s trustworthiness is not the only factor in trust. All of these things influence it too:
the way we interpret someone else's actions
the way we think and feel about that person
how much we dwell on past things
how quickly we forgive
the way we were raised
our mental health
the way we have been treated in the past
the way our other children have acted if we are a parent
the way we see other teens act (when it comes to trusting our teen)
our expectations
how difficult it is for us to trust in general
how well we know someone
the way we weigh "trust betrayals" (what is big to someone might not be a big deal to someone else)
how much shame we have
the age of the person we are trusting
This can make trust confusing to our teens…and to us. One of the ways to simplify it a little bit is to look at what we can control when it comes to trust.
There are three things we can control:
If we trust ourselves.
If we trust others.
How trustworthy we are.
We can influence (but not control) whether or not someone else trusts us. The way we can do that is by becoming more trustworthy. Here are some things we can all work on:
Tell the truth. This one is pretty obvious.
Show up on time. If you commit to being somewhere, be there on time or give plenty of advanced notice.
Be there for the important events. Attend funerals, birthday parties, recitals, award ceremonies.
Show the person you care. Remember their birthday, drop a card in the mail, text often, call to catch up, invite them to lunch.
Apologize often. It's a lot easier to trust someone when they will admit to what they have done.
Keep secrets. This doesn't just mean things that person tells you. If you gossip and share other people's secrets, that person won't trust you because they hear you spill other people's private information.
Trust the other person. It's a lot easier to trust someone when it's reciprocal.
Don't use trust as a way to manipulate people. We see this a lot in advertising/business, but we also use it as a way to get other people to do what we want. "If you do such and such I won't trust you anymore." Really watch out for this as you parent.
Communicate. Ask other people before you commit them to things. I am really bad at this. Ask their opinion. Honor their thoughts/emotions.
There are lots of others, too. As you are building trust with your teen, mention these things specifically. Ask them what you can do to be more trustworthy. Gently point out things they have done that have hurt you and damaged their trustworthiness. Ask questions about their friends or things they have seen on TV/the internet. Do your best to help them know what is in their control regarding trust and what isn’t so they don’t get frustrated and give up.