How to Tame A Teen
I read a clever article called “What Shamu Taught Me About a Happy Marriage” by Amy Sutherland. She started using animal training techniques on her husband while she was learning about them researching a book. I thought to myself, “I bet that would work on teens!” Sometimes the small things our teens are doing are….irritating. It can be hard to all live together in the same home sometimes! Long lectures don’t work, and it can leave us feeling helpless to inspire change.
Here is where some training techniques can come in! I did some research on how dolphins are trained using ChatGBT, and I think some of these could really work.
1. Positive Reinforcement
Rewarding Desired Behaviors: Trainers immediately reward dolphins with fish, toys, or affection when they perform the correct behavior. This helps the dolphin associate the action with something positive.
Teen Application: We often use negative reinforcement with our kids, so watch for ways you can use more positive reinforcement. Funny story. My brother took a psychology class in high school, and he started rewarding me for making my bed by leaving me Good and Plenty candies (without telling me ahead of time). It worked.
2. Shaping
Gradual Learning: Trainers break down a behavior into small, manageable steps, reinforcing each successful approximation of the behavior. For instance, to teach a high jump, they reward small jumps first, then progressively higher jumps. Dolphins are rewarded for improving their performance gradually, rather than expecting perfection immediately.
Teen Application: The teen brain has a long way to go before it’s fully developed. Teenagers can solve a complex math equation one day, then ask how to use a can opener the next. We need to be patient with them and break larger tasks into smaller, easier pieces. You can combine this with positive reinforcement!
3. Desensitization and Habituation
Gradual Introduction: To get dolphins comfortable with new environments or objects, trainers gradually introduce stimuli, such as new equipment or crowds. This helps dolphins feel less anxious and more open to learning. Dolphins are exposed to situations or objects repeatedly in a calm, controlled manner until they are no longer afraid or reactive to them.
Teen Application: Anxiety often looks like defiance. Teens care a lot about how they look and what their friends think, making their self-esteem fragile. We have to be careful what we say when they are in new situations and when other people are around. We can also introduce new expectations slowly, combining this with the shaping. If your teen likes acting but won’t try out for the school play, would they consider voice/acting lessons? Would they prefer a community theater so their friends won’t see them?
4. Patience and Trust Building
Building a Bond: Trainers spend time establishing trust with the dolphins, often through gentle physical contact, play, and positive interactions. A strong bond makes the dolphin more receptive to training. Trainers avoid punishing or scolding dolphins, as this can damage trust and reduce motivation. Instead, they ignore incorrect behaviors and focus on reinforcing the positive ones.
Teen Application: There are definitely some areas where a negative consequence is appropriate when parenting. However, sometimes our fears or a desire for control take over. We need to prioritize connection, understanding, listening, and warmth whenever we can. We are learning together.
5. Behavior Chains
Linking Behaviors Together: Trainers teach dolphins to perform a series of actions in sequence, such as jumping, spinning, and waving, all as part of a routine. Each behavior in the chain serves as a cue for the next. This technique allows dolphins to perform complex tricks and routines, which are broken down into individual actions that they learn to link together.
Teen Application: This also goes along with #2. Break down what new behaviors you would like to see in your teen. What habits do they need to create? Can you stack a new simple habit with a complex one they are already doing? The book Atomic Habits by James Clear has a lot of great ideas for this.
6. Time Out Technique
Ignoring Incorrect Behaviors: When a dolphin doesn’t perform the desired action, trainers may give a brief "time out" by turning away or ceasing interaction. This signals to the dolphin that their behavior won’t result in a reward, encouraging them to try the correct action. Instead of punishing, trainers simply withhold rewards for incorrect actions, teaching the dolphin through a lack of reinforcement.
Teen Application: Amy Sutherland mentions this in her article. She would ignore the behavior she didn’t like (she stopped nagging him about putting his clothes in the hamper and just ignored it), and she also introduced positive rewards by thanking him and kissing him on the cheek when she noticed he had picked things up.
7. Relationship Building
Analyze their behavior. Trainers spend a lot of time watching and analyzing their dolphins. They learn about anatomy, structure, socialization, and what each dolphin likes and dislikes.
Teen Application: Spend more time in curiosity. What things does your teen like? What embarrasses them? Watch their body language. Pay attention to what things get reactions that you like and then repeat them.
8. Incompatible behaviors
Train them to do something else. When trainers want to stop an animal from doing one behavior, they teach it to do another that is incompatible with the first.
Teen Application: Think of whatever behavior you would like your teen to stop, then see if you can come up with something they could do instead and start rewarding that. If your teen is crowding you while you are cooking dinner, give them a task to do on the other side of the kitchen. If your children are fighting while making dinner, see if you can send one somewhere else to do their homework or practice an instrument.
One of a trainer’s mottos is, “It’s never the animal’s fault.” While teens are obviously different from animals, this is a good mindset to start from. I like to assume my teens can’t do something before I assume they won’t. Or, if they won’t, I try to consider why. Do they not know how? Do they have different values or priorities than I do? Are there things happening that I know nothing about (the answer is always yes)? Coming from a place of curiosity can keep us from jumping to conclusions and damaging our relationships.
Which of these do you want to try first?