Guilting vs Empowering

With the spread of the coronavirus and quarantines, we have seen people trying to motivate each other in a variety of ways. Some are trying to control others by using guilt and fear. Others are trying to motivate each other using hope and love.

Emotions are like fuel. They are what push us to act. Positive emotions like hope, faith, love, and compassion are great fuel. They create lasting change. Negative emotions like guilt, shame, and hopelessness don’t last as long and they leave us feeling unsatisfied and unhappy.

Posting fearful posts, pointing out who is not following the quarantine, telling people to shame their neighbors into complying, spying on each other, threatening our teens, and embarrassing others does not motivate people to comply with quarantines. Ironically, it often causes them to want to push back because the human spirit is not meant to be controlled.

When you see someone not quarantining the way you think they should be, try these things:

1. Remember that there is a difference between controlling and influencing. One takes away someone else’s power, and the other keeps it in place.

2. Try on the thought, “Everything is happening exactly as it’s supposed to.” Trust that everything will work out in the end.

3. Think of positive ways to encourage people to quarantine. Share fun and creative posts. List things you are grateful for. Find joy in seeing human creativity and ingenuity. Post good news and funny memes. Share what is working for you. Focus on repeating facts and sharing articles that are from verified sources.

4. Remember that the only thing you can control is your own actions. You can’t control what other people are thinking, feeling, and doing.

5. Believe that everyone is doing their best. This a hard thing we are doing. It’s especially hard for kids and teens because they have a hard time predicting the future (they tend to outweigh the pros and see things with rose colored glasses). It might be hard for them to believe this will work or that it matters very much. Try to not judge them. Understand them, connect with them, and love them instead. Help them resolve their emotions and teach them why we are doing what we are doing.

6. Change the stories you tell. That person with their child at the park? They suffer from depression and had to get out of the house for a bit. Those teens taking a walk together? One of them is contemplating suicide and the others are intervening. I read that domestic violence is rising. I am sure that we will see other side effects of the quarantine. Mental illness, drug and alcohol use, pornography viewing, and poverty will rise. The spread of the coronavirus is only one aspect of what is happening right now. Trust that people are making the best decisions they can!

7. Recognize your own lens. We all look through them every minute of every day. Your past, your beliefs, what you are reading on the internet and choosing to believe, your thoughts, your emotions, your fears…all of these influence the way you interpret what is happening.

8. There are a lot of ways to be “right.” We don’t need to judge others to make ourselves feel better. Do what you can and own the emotions that follow! Let other people do the same.

9. Don’t blame others for your emotions. Robert Anthony said, “When you blame others, you give up your power to change.” Don’t blame your fears and worries on the people who are not following the quarantine perfectly. Own them so you can change them.

10. Take care of yourself. Develop a good self care routine and follow it. When we are hungry, tired, lonely, sad, and stressed, it is hard to be kind. We often project these emotions on other people, too, to try to feel better. Watch out for this and take care of yourself first. Meet your own needs before you try to help other people meet theirs.

11. Choose what you read wisely. Notice how you feel after you read articles and posts. Is what you read helpful? Did you learn something you can take action on? Remember that the purpose of emotions is to create action. If you are spending too much time reading about things you can’t change, it can lead to depression.

12. Don’t predict the future. Watch out for thoughts like, “Those kids at the park are going to spread the disease and we will overwhelm the healthcare system and more people will die!” I also see a lot of people say things like, “If you let your kids have a playdate it defeats the purpose of taking kids out of school.” Not true. There is a big difference between seeing one person in a day and interacting with 800. Watch for logical fallacies because they are everywhere. Speak the truth and only the truth. None of us can predict what’s going to happen (even experts) and that makes us uncomfortable. You can deal with discomfort! You don’t need to act on it and spread fear.

13. In his book The Happiness Advantage, Shawn Achor defines happiness as “the joy we feel striving after our potential.” Worrying about what other people are doing will not create happiness. We find happiness when we are growing, learning, improving, creating healthy habits, taking care of ourselves, and connecting with others.

What we are doing is VERY important and it does depend on all of us contributing. Use your influence to encourage others to follow the quarantine rules. Set limits and consequences in your families. Take action so you can resolve your own emotions. Stay on top of the facts and follow what experts recommend.

However, avoid judging other people because it will not help you or the situation. The next time you are tempted, remember that you have power. You can choose to think about something else, which will change how you are feeling. Try out some of the things in the list and find happiness in the choices YOU are making. Let’s all come out on the other side of this happier, healthier, smarter, and closer to each other.