"But All My Friends Get to Do It!"
Who is tired of hearing that phrase?? Teens are famous for falling for peer pressure...and for pushing their parents to fall for it too. It can get really frustrating. However, not all peer pressure is bad. I made a lot of good decisions because I had good friends.
There are six types of peer pressure to watch out for (and to discuss with your teen during a parent teen night):
Spoken peer pressure. This includes anything that is spoken out loud. Interestingly, when one teenager is trying to influence another, it's easier for the second one to resist. When it's a larger group, the pressure is stronger and harder to resist.
Unspoken peer pressure. This comes when words aren't spoken, but your teen is feeling pressured because of other people's actions. This could show up in the form of fashion choices, "my friends all have a phone and I don't," and other things like that.
Direct peer pressure. This can be either spoken or unspoken. It leads to on-the-spot decisions. Another teen could hand your teen a drink, ask them for sex, or look at their paper to cheat.
Indirect peer pressure. This one is a bit more vague and it is left up to your teen. It requires more interpretation than direct peer pressure, which can be especially dangerous because of teen brain development.
Negative peer pressure. These are things that cause your teen to go against their own beliefs, or those of their family. This leads to poor decisions.
Positive peer pressure. This pressure pushes your teen to make healthy, good decisions. Your teen might stand up to a bully because someone else did or get a job because everyone else has one.
What can we do as parents when we see our teens following the crowd? Here are seven ideas:
Pay attention. We tend to think all peer pressure is bad, but peers can influence our teens to do positive things, too. Who does your teen hang out with? What goes on in their friends' homes?
Choose your battles. Wearing a hoodie or the "right" shoes can help your teen feel like they belong in a group. It might seem silly to us, but it's important to them. Drinking because a friend does is completely different. You can use all types of situations to spark conversations, but helping your teen feel like they "fit in" when it's not something dangerous is just fine.
Set firm boundaries and expectations. Discuss the things that really matter and follow through on the consequences. You want your teen to think twice before giving in!
Speak your mind and stand up for yourself. This is particularly important for us moms to model for our daughters.
Practice what to say. Your teen might not know how to say "no." They could say "I'm good for now" when offered a drink, or "my mom will kill me" when offered drugs. Give them permission to blame you if they don't know what else to say.
Keep your teen involved. If they are in activities and too busy to get into trouble, they can avoid some peer pressure. Point out their skills and help them develop them whenever you can, too, since this builds self-esteem.
Look at the whole picture. We have all done things we wish we hadn't done (or had done) because of peer pressure. Don't make your teen feel embarrassed or "less than" because they care what their peers think!
In my next post I will share some conversation points for you to discuss with your teen. Watch for the stories you tell about your teen, teen development, and peer pressure. Are they true and are they helping you respond in healthy ways when your teen acts like a "normal" teen? Feel free to email me at rachelle@theinspiredteen.com with any questions or concerns you have. I would love to talk to you!
P.S. I love Jospeh Szabo's pictures of teens from the 1970's and 1980's like this one because they show how teens today are similar to teens back then. I feel less alone. :)