Why do Teens Lie?
I have been thinking about why teenagers lie and here are some reasons I came up with:
They don't want to get in trouble. This is an obvious one but if we always assume this is why, we are missing an opportunity to connect with and teach our teens.
They need autonomy. As they mature and push away, they might use lies to separate from us.
They want privacy. This is a big one. As much as we want our teens to tell us everything, they won't. This becomes a big issue with screens, phones, and social media. How much "should" parents know about what their teens are saying and doing? Teens often revel in the fact that they are creating their own lives and that their parents aren't a part of every little thing, so they might lie to create this privacy.
They aren't ready to talk. Your teen might tell a smaller lie because they aren't ready to share something with you. Their communication center is under construction and it might take them awhile to figure out how to confess something to you.
They need space. This goes along with #4. Emotions are complicated, abstract thinking is hard, and being a teenager is rough.
They don't really know the answer. Sometimes something might seem obvious to us and we think our teen is lying, but they might not see it the same way we do. They honestly might not think they are lying!
They just want us to get off their backs. A small lie might feel easier and simpler in the moment. Lies are all about risk management, and teens are really bad at risk management. Your teen is probably convinced they will get away with it, which makes it a lot easier to lie for this reason.
They are protecting a tribe member. This is an important one. Teens are usually very loyal to their friends. They will often lie or bend the truth when they are protecting someone. This can make social media issues even trickier to navigate.
They want to save face. This is a big one for my teenage son. Guilt and shame are hard feelings to feel. Men in particular might lie to cover up those feelings and to look "macho," strong, or smart. I have to be very careful how and when I talk to him about things.
They don't want to hurt someone's feelings. Figuring out how and when to tell the “truth” to someone is complicated. What if you hurt their feelings? Will that harm your relationship? If you catch your teen in one of these lies, take the opportunity to discuss what responsibility we have toward ourselves, others, the truth, other people’s thoughts/feelings, and more.
They don't want to disappoint you. I know I hid some things from my parents because I loved them and I did not want them to be disappointed in me. That was worse than any punishment they gave out.
They don't know how to handle conflict. There are a lot of skills involved in working things out with people, and those skills take time to learn. We need to remind our teens constantly that it's ok to disagree and that relationships can handle some contention.
They are afraid. They might be afraid of what will happen if the truth gets out. They might be afraid of the punishment. They might be afraid you will think less of them. Fear is often at the root of a lie.
They love the risk. Teens like the extra strong dopamine hits they get when they don’t get caught. Lying and getting away with it can be so rewarding! They crave adventure, and parents crave safety. That can definitely cause a lot of conflict.